that sexy guitar - they play it on the high strings
sometimes i long for the soft soothing sounds of the sexy saxophone as i canter about some trendy bistro with one of the various women i meet in my weekly semaphore class down at the community college - and if you are now doubled over laughing because i have openly announced that i attend classes at a community college i should re-emphasize that i meet scads of eligible women in the aforementioned semaphore class - which, hopefully raises a few red flags for some of you...but back to the sexy saxophone which i often refer to as the sexophone - when you happen to be seated on a softly lit patio with a bottle of wine whilst a stockinged foot caresses your well-toned calf - you begin to feel like rob lowe in that movie that practically invented the sexophone - st. elmo's fire...
and now i should take a moment to point out that both of my calves happen to be highly toned and completely lethal - a fact i feel i must mention not only because i firmly believe that my calves are my b.e.s.t. feature - but also because my calves are highly competitive and can often be found engaged in epic flex-offs pitted against one another like bitter rivals...my psychiatrist tells me that calves have no ego and suggests i stop sleeping in the legwarmers already and my doctor dismisses it as mere cramping but friends, i'm here to tell you, my calves are trying to kill each other - if anything ever happens to either one (even though i secretly expect it will end in a murder/suicide) remember what i have said here today and tell the world the truth!
but getting back to rob lowe - when he plays the sexy soul soaring theme song to st. elmo's fire (the instrumental - not the version with words which is so, so lame) no one can resist - not even the sad suicidal demi moore who just can't help but pick herself up off of those harshly polished hardwood floors and decide that yes, life is worth living after all - unless of course you happen to be judd nelson and one of your nostrils is dispraportionately larger than the other one - but cheer up, because once the music takes control you're not ashley judd, nor are you judd nelson, heck, you're not even one half of the identical twin supergroup nelson (matthew or gunnar - take your pick...it doesn't matter because you're still not one of them) because you're rob lowe...
at least you're rob lowe until he hooks up with the homely girl - you know the one, with the chalky white skin...you know the one...i can't for the life of me remember the three named actress who played her - but the good folks at imdb would be more than happy to satiate your curiosity...because homely girls don't attend semaphore class - you can find them down the hall in creative writing because they just can't seem to grasp the nuances of non-v.e.r.b.a.l. communication.
i have noticed recently that many film and television soundtracks have begun using the guitar quite a bit to score a particularly emotive scene - a trend i like to refer to as that sexy guitar - they play it on the high strings - which okay, i guess it's nice and tastefully bland but it just lacks the cadence, the throaty timbre of the sexophone - so instead of kissing passionately oft times you end up sitting on the hood of your car down at the quarry trading air guitar solos with the woman who might have been the love of your life if only your life didn't have a soundtrack that absolutely sucked - that's why i now carry matching ipods filled to capacity with sexy sax sounds and i'm not talking about safe sax either - because we aren't trying to recreate the mood of a doctor's waiting room here - no, no dear friends what we are after are the sexy results. what? you think that should read saxy results? no. no it shouldn't - that's just dumb. and also you might think that matching ipods might interfere with the chemistry that can only come about through conversation - but seriously how many dates have you been on where an interesting conversation took place? me either.
and also, if you're like me and you happen to exclusively date women from your local community college semaphore class you don't have to speak - just let the sax do all your talking for you - well, the sax and you're handy coloured flags of silent communication - just make sure you read the signals properly - because those flag sticks tend to be sharp.
and now i should take a moment to point out that both of my calves happen to be highly toned and completely lethal - a fact i feel i must mention not only because i firmly believe that my calves are my b.e.s.t. feature - but also because my calves are highly competitive and can often be found engaged in epic flex-offs pitted against one another like bitter rivals...my psychiatrist tells me that calves have no ego and suggests i stop sleeping in the legwarmers already and my doctor dismisses it as mere cramping but friends, i'm here to tell you, my calves are trying to kill each other - if anything ever happens to either one (even though i secretly expect it will end in a murder/suicide) remember what i have said here today and tell the world the truth!
but getting back to rob lowe - when he plays the sexy soul soaring theme song to st. elmo's fire (the instrumental - not the version with words which is so, so lame) no one can resist - not even the sad suicidal demi moore who just can't help but pick herself up off of those harshly polished hardwood floors and decide that yes, life is worth living after all - unless of course you happen to be judd nelson and one of your nostrils is dispraportionately larger than the other one - but cheer up, because once the music takes control you're not ashley judd, nor are you judd nelson, heck, you're not even one half of the identical twin supergroup nelson (matthew or gunnar - take your pick...it doesn't matter because you're still not one of them) because you're rob lowe...
at least you're rob lowe until he hooks up with the homely girl - you know the one, with the chalky white skin...you know the one...i can't for the life of me remember the three named actress who played her - but the good folks at imdb would be more than happy to satiate your curiosity...because homely girls don't attend semaphore class - you can find them down the hall in creative writing because they just can't seem to grasp the nuances of non-v.e.r.b.a.l. communication.
i have noticed recently that many film and television soundtracks have begun using the guitar quite a bit to score a particularly emotive scene - a trend i like to refer to as that sexy guitar - they play it on the high strings - which okay, i guess it's nice and tastefully bland but it just lacks the cadence, the throaty timbre of the sexophone - so instead of kissing passionately oft times you end up sitting on the hood of your car down at the quarry trading air guitar solos with the woman who might have been the love of your life if only your life didn't have a soundtrack that absolutely sucked - that's why i now carry matching ipods filled to capacity with sexy sax sounds and i'm not talking about safe sax either - because we aren't trying to recreate the mood of a doctor's waiting room here - no, no dear friends what we are after are the sexy results. what? you think that should read saxy results? no. no it shouldn't - that's just dumb. and also you might think that matching ipods might interfere with the chemistry that can only come about through conversation - but seriously how many dates have you been on where an interesting conversation took place? me either.
and also, if you're like me and you happen to exclusively date women from your local community college semaphore class you don't have to speak - just let the sax do all your talking for you - well, the sax and you're handy coloured flags of silent communication - just make sure you read the signals properly - because those flag sticks tend to be sharp.
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