the fear of nudity
there are probably one million reasons why i will never marry - fear of commitment, social anxiety, night blindness, fear of nudity - but one of the primary reasons the prospect frightens me so impossibly is the whole drama of the ring (not to be confused with the pop culture phenom film of the same name) thing...first, selfishly i'll admit that i've never owned a ring in my entire life unless of course you count those plastic rings with the giant candied gem on them or the unfortunate ringworm incident back in the eighth grade which i still don't like talking about...i think the primary reason for this is could be that my stumpy useless hands that have always served me so well when it comes to retrieving lost objects from behind or beneath household appliances, look rather foolish when adorned with rings...and having never been a ring wearer (or even a ring bearer for that matter - even though i do have an adorable cowlick and cherubic cheeks that would elicit gasps and sighs as i walked down the aisle with the fluffy pillow of promise and destiny - still i'm not bitter) i don't know that i would be qualified to pick out the perfect ring for the l.o.v.e. of my l.i.f.e. - seriously. for me picking out a three ring binder is an all day affair.
and how exactly does that whole ring shopping thing work anyway? because i have always been under the impression that popping the question was supposed to be some big event fraught with deep knee bending leading to sky writing followed almost immediately by gymnastics of the heart - but then you talk to friends who are (mating while) dating and they will tell you unabashedly that they are ring shopping which sort of makes the whole dramatic proposal event moot don't you think? i know rick springfield certainly does.
and rick springfield would know - because from what i hear he finally consummated his long awaited love affair with jessie's girl - and you might think that jessie would have been pissed. and he was. at first. but then he realized that rick and jessie's girl really were the better match so instead of losing a friend and a lover he decided to just cut his losses, swallow his pride and be the supportive friend. and it really is great you know? like a real life dawson's creek finale equal parts e.f.f.e.t.e. and e.d.g.e. i ran into the the three of them down at the food court last weekend sharing an orange julius (three people one straw - metaphor for the tie that binds or fasttrack to mono - you be the judge [reinhold]) and they were laughing and having a grand old time because apparently they had spent the morning ring shopping at zayles (the galleria of jewelry) have mercy indeed!
and that i guess, is when i realized that ring shopping is probably a good idea - because yes it does sort of spoil the mystery and the intrigue - but then again you'll be waking up to the same person for the rest of your life so it's a nice bit of foreshadowing for how all of the mystery and intrigue are about to be sucked out of your life. forever. and also, ring shopping gauruntees that you don't end up dropping some hideous piece of whatnot on the woman that would have been more than happy to fill the role of your future wife until she saw the hideous ring - which, yes i know that it may have been your great grandmothers but dude....it's still hideous -
no self respecting woman wants to be seen walking around with that much filigree on her fair knuckle...if she really wanted something that bulky she would have worn your class ring on her chubby toe thumb instead of on a chain around her neck...i'm just saying. if you insist on forcing that thing on her you might find yourself with a garage full of invitations that will serve as a lifelong reminder of what a cheap bastard you were - because seriously...if you wanted a woman to wear your great grandmothers ring - maybe you should have married your great grandmother.
and how exactly does that whole ring shopping thing work anyway? because i have always been under the impression that popping the question was supposed to be some big event fraught with deep knee bending leading to sky writing followed almost immediately by gymnastics of the heart - but then you talk to friends who are (mating while) dating and they will tell you unabashedly that they are ring shopping which sort of makes the whole dramatic proposal event moot don't you think? i know rick springfield certainly does.
and rick springfield would know - because from what i hear he finally consummated his long awaited love affair with jessie's girl - and you might think that jessie would have been pissed. and he was. at first. but then he realized that rick and jessie's girl really were the better match so instead of losing a friend and a lover he decided to just cut his losses, swallow his pride and be the supportive friend. and it really is great you know? like a real life dawson's creek finale equal parts e.f.f.e.t.e. and e.d.g.e. i ran into the the three of them down at the food court last weekend sharing an orange julius (three people one straw - metaphor for the tie that binds or fasttrack to mono - you be the judge [reinhold]) and they were laughing and having a grand old time because apparently they had spent the morning ring shopping at zayles (the galleria of jewelry) have mercy indeed!
and that i guess, is when i realized that ring shopping is probably a good idea - because yes it does sort of spoil the mystery and the intrigue - but then again you'll be waking up to the same person for the rest of your life so it's a nice bit of foreshadowing for how all of the mystery and intrigue are about to be sucked out of your life. forever. and also, ring shopping gauruntees that you don't end up dropping some hideous piece of whatnot on the woman that would have been more than happy to fill the role of your future wife until she saw the hideous ring - which, yes i know that it may have been your great grandmothers but dude....it's still hideous -
no self respecting woman wants to be seen walking around with that much filigree on her fair knuckle...if she really wanted something that bulky she would have worn your class ring on her chubby toe thumb instead of on a chain around her neck...i'm just saying. if you insist on forcing that thing on her you might find yourself with a garage full of invitations that will serve as a lifelong reminder of what a cheap bastard you were - because seriously...if you wanted a woman to wear your great grandmothers ring - maybe you should have married your great grandmother.
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