spork & beans

so this past weekend i had occasion to attend that dreaded event formidably known as the family reunion replete with all the eye-rolling - green bean casserole - and warmed over deviled eggs that we have all come to expect over the years...and somewhere between the slip 'n slide and the family sing it donned on me that i might be a member of the strangest collection of relatives known to man. and i say that with the full realization that most folks feel much the same about certain relatives that always turn up at family functions even though you're pretty sure that they weren't invited. and even though they somehow got the memo detailing the date, time, and location of the gathering they seem to have missed the part that encouraged the bringing of food & or beverages - so they conveniently have just enough tallboys to tide them over for the aftenoon but that cooler lid stays locked up tight anytime you happen to walk by.

and so by the time the dinner bell rings a distant cousin has to drag you kicking and screaming from your prone position in the kiddie pool where you were only trying to put yourself out of your misery because a: it's unbearably hot & b: your hot aunt just reminded you of the time you accidentally saw her naked because she had the audacity to use the very same restroom that housed the linen closet that you chose as your hiding spot....and also, you're drunckle keeps getting emotional because he's half lit & really can't believe how much you've grown and wasn't it just yesterday that he was baiting your hooks and teaching you how to throw a football...and really it's amazing that he could remember any of that because he was constantly stealing pieces of your home chemistry set for reasons you still haven't been able to ascertain.

but just as you're recovering childhood memories probably better left alone - you are saved by the family photo because it's important to gather everyone together and preserve this moment in history because really, how often do we do this? and that's probably why no one seems to mind that random kids from the neighborhood somehow make it into the shot - because when will you have the chance to see those little brats again...and also, it would take a great amount of time and effort to chase them away and the sun is going down and the mosquitos are buzzing because your fat relatives reek of pure unadulterated sugar & sugar bi-products...and you wonder how none of them are diabetic, but this thought is quickly chased away by the rage that wells up within you when you realize that there are at least 5 more cameras left and at least three of those will have features so complicated that the owner of said camera (after 15 minutes of shouting out instructions) will have to go up to the front and demonstrate how the blessed thing works which means they'll have to repose themselves...and really it makes no sense in this modern age of technological whatnot that so many pictures should need to be taken...

i mean couldn't we just take one picture and send it out in a lovely e-mail? better yet, give me the memory card, i'll print up the photo onto a t-shirt and send it out to everyone complete with a clever reunion themed top ten list on the back...that, dear friends would be the bomb.com

i might even photoshop our heads atop the bodies of penguins posing on a glacier for my cousin who is obsessed with penguins. seriously, it's pretty much the only thing he talks about...he is well past the age where his hormones should have borne forth in him an interest in the ladies, but really...all he cares about are penguins....which, i know that penguins are strange and mysterious in that sort of austere, flightless way...but come on when you are a student living in a dorm at a major university you might want to dial back the wierdness a notch. or two...and i wonder how that happens. i mean how do you become interested in something like penguins?

i will openly admit to being interested in many diverse things - if by diverse you mean action figures with hinged knees and real hair...and maybe that is strange...maybe, many of my relatives stand and wonder heads agog and mouths agape about my strange obsession with action star hair when i should really be thinking about settling down and starting a family...and of course i don't even want to think about that because i am currently in the throes of one of the worst breakups i have ever had to endure - and it's a miracle that i even make it out of bed most mornings...and i don't know if it makes it better or worse that i never even spoke to this woman - because for all the fuss that gets made, i often find that communication can be so over rated. i mean seriously, how many times have you liked an attractive stranger less after you had a conversation with them? it happens to me alot. still - the no talking thing? sort of makes it difficult to acheive closure or to find out where things went wrong...so the best that you can hope for is that your real hair will be in perfect order in anticipation of a chance encounter because it's hard to be taken seriously as a super action star/former lover if you have fake hair. seriously. just ask ben affleck.