elvis frappuccino
so you're inxs and you find yourself lost in the ipod shuffle of yesteryear desperately wondering how you can make your own particular brand of music relevant again - no small task for any band whose best years are clearly behind them (yes i'm talking about you u2) but then you factor in the fact that your charismatic lead singer with the golden vocal chords and latent sex appeal happens to be dead - well you're sort of screwed...
unless of course you have the good fortune to cash in on the reality television juggernaut that is sometimes referred to as the reality television juggernaut which, not only gets your band back into the public eye - it also happens to generate tons of free publicity for this upcoming album that will be released with the singer who prevails in this televised audition of e.p.i.c. proportions...it should also be noted here that any opportunity to appear on television with the stunning brooke burke (not to be confused with brooke burns of north shore/dog eat dog infamy whose porcelain veneers haunt me. and i don not lie.) is never a bad idea...in fact, i auditioned for the show (the show being rockstar inxs) and did fairly well for myself all the way through regional finals where i performed every day i write the book. only, instead of saying book - i substituted the word brooke. and even though she found this adorable (my word not hers) the producers found it cloying (which...is that even a word?) and i got the boot - but brooke and i are pan pals (seriously. we trade bread recipes) and it's great.
- thus i can comfortably proclaim that even though i am not going to be the new lead singer for inxs the forthcoming record will most likely do bang up business - i'm predicting at least 500,000 sold domestically (probably 7 or 8 billion sold in australia) - which is still a gold record, and a measure of moderate success - even though said record probably won't be very good...and let's be realistic, it won't - the career of inxs was in the tank long before michael hutchence checked out - the same michael hutchence who once publicly complained that u2 had co-opted the inxs sound on achtung baby (which, yeah i guess i can sort of see that on a song like mysterious ways) and this - and this alone was the reason that record sales had begun to flag...but come on mike, people didn't stop buying radiohead records just because those asshats that call themselves coldplay co-opted their sound. but we'll forgive michael for this oversight because i think the real trouble with him was that he never really got over ubermodel helena christiansen - most famous for her romp on the beach with elvis frapuccino aka chris isaak in his wicked game video - and i could see how michael might have trouble getting over a girl like that - she's gloriously beautiful with the kind of eyes that one could really get lost in...seriously. just ask debbie gibson.
where was i? oh yes. don't get me wrong i don't begrudge inxs any (inx)success that might come from this latest venture - i mean seriously, they could have tapped david lee roth to front the band - or that dude from extreme that totally (& ultimately) ruined van halen once for all (and thank holy heaven for that). and this is really a pretty clever marketing ploy on their part and they will no doubt line their pockets with large sweaty wads of cash - and also? how can you be angry with the band that gave us never tear us apart hands down one of the greatest songs of my lifetime - and i'm not just saying that because of its recent inclusion on the donnie darko directors cut...because any of us who have seen the classic donkeyman video recognize immediately that donnie darko is nothing short of plagiarism and poor man's tobey macguire can just kiss it
- also, i'm not just singing the praises of never tear us apart because of the phenomenal sexophone solo that features prominently - even though it does totally rock - it's simply a perfectly crafted/and executed pop song with the strings and the sax and that nifty guitar break between the chorus and the verse - that song seriously fights for my allegiance with the promise by when in rome as the greatest song of the almost 1990's and thank you napolean dynamite for bringing it back.
unless of course you have the good fortune to cash in on the reality television juggernaut that is sometimes referred to as the reality television juggernaut which, not only gets your band back into the public eye - it also happens to generate tons of free publicity for this upcoming album that will be released with the singer who prevails in this televised audition of e.p.i.c. proportions...it should also be noted here that any opportunity to appear on television with the stunning brooke burke (not to be confused with brooke burns of north shore/dog eat dog infamy whose porcelain veneers haunt me. and i don not lie.) is never a bad idea...in fact, i auditioned for the show (the show being rockstar inxs) and did fairly well for myself all the way through regional finals where i performed every day i write the book. only, instead of saying book - i substituted the word brooke. and even though she found this adorable (my word not hers) the producers found it cloying (which...is that even a word?) and i got the boot - but brooke and i are pan pals (seriously. we trade bread recipes) and it's great.
- thus i can comfortably proclaim that even though i am not going to be the new lead singer for inxs the forthcoming record will most likely do bang up business - i'm predicting at least 500,000 sold domestically (probably 7 or 8 billion sold in australia) - which is still a gold record, and a measure of moderate success - even though said record probably won't be very good...and let's be realistic, it won't - the career of inxs was in the tank long before michael hutchence checked out - the same michael hutchence who once publicly complained that u2 had co-opted the inxs sound on achtung baby (which, yeah i guess i can sort of see that on a song like mysterious ways) and this - and this alone was the reason that record sales had begun to flag...but come on mike, people didn't stop buying radiohead records just because those asshats that call themselves coldplay co-opted their sound. but we'll forgive michael for this oversight because i think the real trouble with him was that he never really got over ubermodel helena christiansen - most famous for her romp on the beach with elvis frapuccino aka chris isaak in his wicked game video - and i could see how michael might have trouble getting over a girl like that - she's gloriously beautiful with the kind of eyes that one could really get lost in...seriously. just ask debbie gibson.
where was i? oh yes. don't get me wrong i don't begrudge inxs any (inx)success that might come from this latest venture - i mean seriously, they could have tapped david lee roth to front the band - or that dude from extreme that totally (& ultimately) ruined van halen once for all (and thank holy heaven for that). and this is really a pretty clever marketing ploy on their part and they will no doubt line their pockets with large sweaty wads of cash - and also? how can you be angry with the band that gave us never tear us apart hands down one of the greatest songs of my lifetime - and i'm not just saying that because of its recent inclusion on the donnie darko directors cut...because any of us who have seen the classic donkeyman video recognize immediately that donnie darko is nothing short of plagiarism and poor man's tobey macguire can just kiss it
- also, i'm not just singing the praises of never tear us apart because of the phenomenal sexophone solo that features prominently - even though it does totally rock - it's simply a perfectly crafted/and executed pop song with the strings and the sax and that nifty guitar break between the chorus and the verse - that song seriously fights for my allegiance with the promise by when in rome as the greatest song of the almost 1990's and thank you napolean dynamite for bringing it back.
1 Comments:
hey, HEY! What the hell is this? You're not using covblogs like the rest of the kids? I'd say you're not a team player, son. By the way, you'll notice that I'm up at 3 am cst. Would you believe I'm trying to study? Me either.
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