spork & beans

so this past weekend i had occasion to attend that dreaded event formidably known as the family reunion replete with all the eye-rolling - green bean casserole - and warmed over deviled eggs that we have all come to expect over the years...and somewhere between the slip 'n slide and the family sing it donned on me that i might be a member of the strangest collection of relatives known to man. and i say that with the full realization that most folks feel much the same about certain relatives that always turn up at family functions even though you're pretty sure that they weren't invited. and even though they somehow got the memo detailing the date, time, and location of the gathering they seem to have missed the part that encouraged the bringing of food & or beverages - so they conveniently have just enough tallboys to tide them over for the aftenoon but that cooler lid stays locked up tight anytime you happen to walk by.

and so by the time the dinner bell rings a distant cousin has to drag you kicking and screaming from your prone position in the kiddie pool where you were only trying to put yourself out of your misery because a: it's unbearably hot & b: your hot aunt just reminded you of the time you accidentally saw her naked because she had the audacity to use the very same restroom that housed the linen closet that you chose as your hiding spot....and also, you're drunckle keeps getting emotional because he's half lit & really can't believe how much you've grown and wasn't it just yesterday that he was baiting your hooks and teaching you how to throw a football...and really it's amazing that he could remember any of that because he was constantly stealing pieces of your home chemistry set for reasons you still haven't been able to ascertain.

but just as you're recovering childhood memories probably better left alone - you are saved by the family photo because it's important to gather everyone together and preserve this moment in history because really, how often do we do this? and that's probably why no one seems to mind that random kids from the neighborhood somehow make it into the shot - because when will you have the chance to see those little brats again...and also, it would take a great amount of time and effort to chase them away and the sun is going down and the mosquitos are buzzing because your fat relatives reek of pure unadulterated sugar & sugar bi-products...and you wonder how none of them are diabetic, but this thought is quickly chased away by the rage that wells up within you when you realize that there are at least 5 more cameras left and at least three of those will have features so complicated that the owner of said camera (after 15 minutes of shouting out instructions) will have to go up to the front and demonstrate how the blessed thing works which means they'll have to repose themselves...and really it makes no sense in this modern age of technological whatnot that so many pictures should need to be taken...

i mean couldn't we just take one picture and send it out in a lovely e-mail? better yet, give me the memory card, i'll print up the photo onto a t-shirt and send it out to everyone complete with a clever reunion themed top ten list on the back...that, dear friends would be the bomb.com

i might even photoshop our heads atop the bodies of penguins posing on a glacier for my cousin who is obsessed with penguins. seriously, it's pretty much the only thing he talks about...he is well past the age where his hormones should have borne forth in him an interest in the ladies, but really...all he cares about are penguins....which, i know that penguins are strange and mysterious in that sort of austere, flightless way...but come on when you are a student living in a dorm at a major university you might want to dial back the wierdness a notch. or two...and i wonder how that happens. i mean how do you become interested in something like penguins?

i will openly admit to being interested in many diverse things - if by diverse you mean action figures with hinged knees and real hair...and maybe that is strange...maybe, many of my relatives stand and wonder heads agog and mouths agape about my strange obsession with action star hair when i should really be thinking about settling down and starting a family...and of course i don't even want to think about that because i am currently in the throes of one of the worst breakups i have ever had to endure - and it's a miracle that i even make it out of bed most mornings...and i don't know if it makes it better or worse that i never even spoke to this woman - because for all the fuss that gets made, i often find that communication can be so over rated. i mean seriously, how many times have you liked an attractive stranger less after you had a conversation with them? it happens to me alot. still - the no talking thing? sort of makes it difficult to acheive closure or to find out where things went wrong...so the best that you can hope for is that your real hair will be in perfect order in anticipation of a chance encounter because it's hard to be taken seriously as a super action star/former lover if you have fake hair. seriously. just ask ben affleck.

elvis frappuccino

so you're inxs and you find yourself lost in the ipod shuffle of yesteryear desperately wondering how you can make your own particular brand of music relevant again - no small task for any band whose best years are clearly behind them (yes i'm talking about you u2) but then you factor in the fact that your charismatic lead singer with the golden vocal chords and latent sex appeal happens to be dead - well you're sort of screwed...

unless of course you have the good fortune to cash in on the reality television juggernaut that is sometimes referred to as the reality television juggernaut which, not only gets your band back into the public eye - it also happens to generate tons of free publicity for this upcoming album that will be released with the singer who prevails in this televised audition of e.p.i.c. proportions...it should also be noted here that any opportunity to appear on television with the stunning brooke burke (not to be confused with brooke burns of north shore/dog eat dog infamy whose porcelain veneers haunt me. and i don not lie.) is never a bad idea...in fact, i auditioned for the show (the show being rockstar inxs) and did fairly well for myself all the way through regional finals where i performed every day i write the book. only, instead of saying book - i substituted the word brooke. and even though she found this adorable (my word not hers) the producers found it cloying (which...is that even a word?) and i got the boot - but brooke and i are pan pals (seriously. we trade bread recipes) and it's great.

- thus i can comfortably proclaim that even though i am not going to be the new lead singer for inxs the forthcoming record will most likely do bang up business - i'm predicting at least 500,000 sold domestically (probably 7 or 8 billion sold in australia) - which is still a gold record, and a measure of moderate success - even though said record probably won't be very good...and let's be realistic, it won't - the career of inxs was in the tank long before michael hutchence checked out - the same michael hutchence who once publicly complained that u2 had co-opted the inxs sound on achtung baby (which, yeah i guess i can sort of see that on a song like mysterious ways) and this - and this alone was the reason that record sales had begun to flag...but come on mike, people didn't stop buying radiohead records just because those asshats that call themselves coldplay co-opted their sound. but we'll forgive michael for this oversight because i think the real trouble with him was that he never really got over ubermodel helena christiansen - most famous for her romp on the beach with elvis frapuccino aka chris isaak in his wicked game video - and i could see how michael might have trouble getting over a girl like that - she's gloriously beautiful with the kind of eyes that one could really get lost in...seriously. just ask debbie gibson.


where was i? oh yes. don't get me wrong i don't begrudge inxs any (inx)success that might come from this latest venture - i mean seriously, they could have tapped david lee roth to front the band - or that dude from extreme that totally (& ultimately) ruined van halen once for all (and thank holy heaven for that). and this is really a pretty clever marketing ploy on their part and they will no doubt line their pockets with large sweaty wads of cash - and also? how can you be angry with the band that gave us never tear us apart hands down one of the greatest songs of my lifetime - and i'm not just saying that because of its recent inclusion on the donnie darko directors cut...because any of us who have seen the classic donkeyman video recognize immediately that donnie darko is nothing short of plagiarism and poor man's tobey macguire can just kiss it

- also, i'm not just singing the praises of never tear us apart because of the phenomenal sexophone solo that features prominently - even though it does totally rock - it's simply a perfectly crafted/and executed pop song with the strings and the sax and that nifty guitar break between the chorus and the verse - that song seriously fights for my allegiance with the promise by when in rome as the greatest song of the almost 1990's and thank you napolean dynamite for bringing it back.