cubetob sanspants

have you ever found yourself subjected cruelly to disciplinary action around the office? well, up until today i could have answered that question with an emphatic no! (is there really any other kind?) but then this morning - after arriving at work one full hour before the office opens - i received an ominous voice message from those hr types telling me that we needed to have a little meeting to discuss a few small performance related items and of course i immediately panicked because i thought that everyone knew my worst kept secret - that i in fact, wear a hair piece - and this is not just any hair piece...its my own special design - a design i like to refer to as my performance enhancing rug not only because it helps me out with the ladies - but also it has to be nurtured by various & sundry steroids or it just ends up looking all loose and limp - and anyone who knows me knows that i like my hair like i like my body...rockin'

and as you may suspect, in my line of work random steroid testing is pretty normal procedure - so i figured i must have finally been busted due to my own carelessness or because when my anonymous homeless urine donor confessed that he'd been turned on to the juice he wasn't just referring to the juice newton box set i had given him as a thank you gift for all the clean samples...so of course i've got my story all prepared as i head into the hr interrogation room - and really i sort of feel bad for those people because they're alot like those poor bastards who work in internal affairs on those police procedural dramas that i hear the kids go nuts for - those guys never catch a break...

anyway, hr wasn't interested in my steroid use or lack thereof - they wanted to address some complaints that had been filed by my fellow co-workers (anonymously of course) directly relating to what was referred to as my excessive need to call attention to myself out on the floor which, i don't really get - and then they showed gratuitous surveillance footage of me slamming down my phone leaping into the aisle giving an emphatic (and totally rad) first down signal - which is something i like to do after i've resolved a job task - and it's not meant to show any one up - it's not meant to call attention to myself - it's merely a symbol that i'm on to the next big thing. and apparently all these anonymous coworkers feel threatened by my drive and ambition - and these are probably the people that settle for field goals in life...and i'm sorry but that's just not me...but since i've chosen to work alongside a bunch of nancies' (no one in the office is actually named nancy) i have been asked to tone it down and keep my celebrations within my cube....so being the passive aggressive type i have proudly re-displayed all of my awards atop my credenza and whenever anyone walks by i stop whatever i happen to be doing - leap onto my desk drop my pants (in one seemless motion mind you) point to my cubetop festooned with trophys and whisper scoreboard! only i don't whisper it if you know what i mean.

hair-up hotties

i'd like to expand if i may on this recent discussion of cigarette smoking around the office - because i'll confess sometimes i think it would be nice to be a habitual smoker if for no other reason than to break up the monotony of what is sometimes known as the workday - i'd say well over half of the people on our floor are smokers & i'm not really sure what our corporate handbook says about smoke breaks or the regulation thereof but seriously - there are people who take a minimum of ten smoke breaks a day - i walk down the aisle to retrieve a fax and find myself faced with so many empty desks that i worry that the rapture must have come and i was left behind - which is really just crazy - because we all know that there won't be smokers in heaven - and also, our office has low rapture-proof ceilings...and these smokers, they may be hellbound but boy are they down right savvy - i kid you not, i mean the way they bookend their lunch hour with smokebreaks...that kills a good two hours of the workday right there - and of course there is the unscheduled smokebreak whereby they slam down a telephone or the sheaf of papers they have been shuffling back and forth across their desk and exclaim judas priest! i need a cigarette! and head for the elevator...even though they just returned from a smokebreak five minutes hence.

and i know what they say about the health risks and probably most of it is true but seriously are you killing yourself any less slowly by spending the better part of the day staring at the bland fabric walls of your cube hoping to holy heaven for a power outage or a fire alarm? i'm just saying...and also if i smoked i could be standing right now around the ashtray with my most recent dearly departed crush who appears to be one of those cigarette for the road kind of gals - and to see her standing there with her hair up and her arms akimbo laughing and chatting with all the other nico-teens almost makes me wish i hadn't cast any sidelong glances her way thus ending my last best chance at finding love in post 9/11 amerika - and you know part of me wonders if she isn't just one of those hair-up hotties and stop me if you've never wondered the same thing - because some girls with their hair up...hotties! (hence the name hair up hotties) but you see them with their hair down and...it just doesn't work...but boy hair-up hottie or no, now that i think about it sharing a cig might have been a better way for us to meet rather than throwing myself in front of her speeding vehicle - which in hindsights smells a little bit like an act of desperation, but what can you do - like the great prophet don henley once sang sometimes love just aint enough and its true - even patty smyth thought so as she sang the plaintive harmonies - and when the woman who sang the warrior tells you its time to just give up on love and/or personal grooming - well...enough said

and now, in the midst of picking up the broken pieces of my broken heart (important to note here that during the initial cleanup of the pieces my broken heart i failed to stretch properly, got a cramp in my hamstring, and promptly dropped the detritus thus rendering my heart even more shattered and irrepairable than it was in the first place) i also have to pack a bag for the warmer climes of home - which should be an exciting adventure fraught with peril and airline peanuts - and boy am i looking forward to some sun on my face and some soft sea breeze brushing lightly against my skin - as my taught thighs ripple ominously down the boardwalk even as i try to mask the fact that i am not a tourist in my own hometown - even though i really sort of am...not that i'm complaining it's an excuse to get that bikini wax i've been pining for.

it's friday i'm in love

call me hopelessly cynical, but when tom & katie announce their lovefest just in time for the press tours for their respective summer films - there is a part of me that rolls my eyes. because there's no way in this world that tom & katie are actually an item - maverick & joey? really? maybe in some alternate universe where dr. pheel is a changer of lives and shaun william scott is considered to be a fine comic actor this might be possible - but i'm here to tell you kids, this is not the world that i live in. in my world i live in fear that joey will ruin the next batman film with that smooshed up face of hers - and there's no way she knows the words to santa fe
of course my rambling discontent could be directly attributed to the death of my most recent crush - not literally of course - i should probably clarify that for those of you that are rushing to dial 911 (which by the way, is a joke in your town) even though i fear it may be too late as my surveillance cameras are informing me that my trailer is now surrounded by the fuzz. which, by the way also happens to be the name of the dance club where i met my first wife casiopia & you might thing that it was her peternatural toplessness that caused our love to go awry, but in the end it was her poor spelling and diction, i mean seriously, casiopia? - anyway, have you ever had a mad crush on someone for no apparent reason and then all of the sudden it just vanishes? that sucks. i'm here to tell you. i officially killed my crush on friday - and that's a shame because i really think i did love her - which happend to be casual friday, but that is neither here nor there since our office does not have casual friday...anyway, i had arrived at the office earlier than usual on friday and had headed up to the dreaded fourth floor when i suddenly realized that i had left my chequebook in the sexplorer and this would simply not do because i had to write out a check for the chicken tenders that i have been dreaming about ever since the girl scout cookies went the way of the dodo - anyway, as i stepped out into the parking garage i saw her drive by - in fact i was contemplating jumping in front of her speeding vehicle thinking this might be a great way for the two of us to finally meet because they say that dramatic meetings are always more memorable - and also, if i were laying there moaning plantively or something there would no doubt be some sort of physical contact of some kind that would ensue which is never a bad thing and maybe if she held my hand as i lay there internally bleeding we could have some of the forbidden hand sex that you hear adults talk about after all of the love has gone completely out of their lives - sadly, i thought of this after she had already past me by so after making a mental note of it i headed over to the sexplorer to retrieve my chequebook - long story short, we ended up standing side by side on a crowded elevator and i totally could have touched her or given her a wet willie - which in my experience has always been a better than average way to break the ice. and also - it's hard to mack on someone when they are standing directly beside you, because all you can really do is cast a sidelong glance which is what i did - which is what ended up killing the crush because i suddenly realized that - at least in my peripheral vision, she reminded me of someone back in college that i really didn't care for very much - and also, her casual day outfit? not so great - which was disappointing to say the least because she showed so much promise - and really, how can you love someone with your whole heart when you know full well that if you happen to catch a glimpse of them out of the corner of your eye it's all over....i'm often told that i am too demanding, but for the life of me i just can't see it.